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I've got no soul [28 Sep 2004|07:13pm]
Bleh. I am a gigantic fuck up. Its true. I take stuff that makes me happy, and just nullify it, I do. I need to just go away, I want to, right now. But then, I'd also like to shoot myself in the head, but I won't be doing that now, will I?

Its better for her in the end...I'm so much older, and yet, so messed up in virtually everything.

We don't rest in peace, we just disappear. [20 Sep 2004|02:34pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

Not too much going on right now, Gina's in philly, and I miss her a lot. Ah, well, I feel bad because she's lonely and all, but maybe it'll help her find herself, who she is? Being alone, you can discover more than when you have a lot of people around you all the time, especially people who are really close to you, you focus on those people a lot and don't look to yourself, I think. Yah.

Stayed over at Carlys last night, it was fun. I'm kinda sad, well not really sad as much as disappointed in my friend Tim, he is a decent guy, who wanted to wait till he was in love till he slept with a girl, but he's getting so much damn peer pressure that he's willing to just give it up so he doesn't get shit over it. And, he kids around about me and him making out, well I thought he was kidding since he knows I have a girlfriend, but turns out, he was serious. That bothers me, dang it. He told Carly that he wants to go far with me, far meaning all the way, because he and I are both virgins. It makes me mad, and kinda sad, that he's thinking like that, and that he thinks I would go for it. He thinks I flirt with him, maybe I do, but I have a really annoying flirty personality, I really don't mean to flirt, I honestly don't, but I do, and Carly told him that I'm not necissarily flirting with him, but thats the way I am, and he doesn't believe it. I hate this, because he's one of my good friends, and this could totally ruin a good friendship, you know? Stupid flirty personality...stupid peer pressure...stupid boys in general. And really, what makes him think after all this time, I would just cheat on Sarha and sleep with him. Come on. Bleh.

Sarha and I are happy. Very happy. :) I have a job, a good one overnights, and I really like it. Probably going to school in Philadelphia in January, for performing arts. Otherwise, nothing really going on. My social life, pure insanity. But I love it all, and I love them all.

2 moved on | There's no point in waiting.

Woo [28 Aug 2004|09:13pm]
[ mood | happy ]

So yeah, I've gotten all yes's on __hot_or_not___ woo go me, I've never been accepted to one of those places before. I'm a gigantic dork, I know. So yea, anyways, haven't been up to much, Gina and I are no longer dating, don't know if I ever updated that, otherwise nothings really going on. Lifes ok, I was in the hospital again in July for a freaking breakdown, spent about a week in there, gave me more meds blah blah blah. I'm out now, its all good. Hmm. I have an audition to sing for a band called the Deformities tomorrow. Wish me luck, and see you all around. :)

2 moved on | There's no point in waiting.

[12 Jul 2004|03:16pm]
Bla, so I'm mostly going to keep updating at myspace, with the occasional update here on livejournal, most of the people I hang out w/ keep their journals on myspace now, so its a bit easier. You can reach my MySpace by clicking here Fun Stuff!

So then I took this quiz, and the answers are funny cause they're so not true:

LJ friend stats
LJ Username
LJ friend who likes you the most docuventary
LJ friend who wants to meet you dan_m1976
LJ friend who has a crush on you wolviechickie
LJ friend who looks up to you laurena192
LJ friend who you should get to know better bellyache
Percentage of LJ friends who actually read your entries - 96%
This Quiz by waywardpixie - Taken 97101 Times.
New! Get Free Daily Horoscopes from Kwiz.Biz

There's no point in waiting.

I like the way you cry! [06 Jul 2004|12:11pm]
[ mood | sore ]

This weekend was a really, really good weekend. We went camping on Saturday, and that night actually wasn't that great, cause I was in a crappy mood and was being mean to my friends, and shutting them out without even realizing it. I don't realize what I'm doing until some sort of attention is brought to it, and it sucks. People don't want to be around or with me because of it, so I totally need to get over it. And I will. I'm working on it.

But anyways, the second night, on the 4th, it was good. We went to Gina's uncles house, then we went and got Sarha and Cay, and some other random girl. We went to Brians and lit off a couple of fire crackers, and sat around till we left, then we went to the campsite and our fire wouldn't start for shit till we started throwing all of our trash on it, then it didn't want to go out, I sat up for quite awhile trying to get the stupid thing out. Then it rained again (it rained both nights, the first night was the worst cause we had puddles in the tent, and it was miserable), and it thundered/lightning-ed a lot. It scared me for some stupid reason, probably cause I was half asleep and outside. Blah. But otherwise, it was a good camping trip overall.

Yesterday, I came home and went to sleep, and Cay called me around 5 to see if I was going to this one concert at the Ranch Bowl, I didn't know any of the bands and wasn't feeling very well at all so I didn't feel like going at first, but I ended up going anyways, and the concert was AWESOME! It was a really great show with a load of hardcore bands, it was great. Me and these girls I've met but not hung out with, Kayleen and Tiffany got to the front of the stage where all the stage divers were, and I got knocked down twice during one song, and I got stepped on, its making quite an impressive bruise, and there's even like scratch marks where the kids shoe pushed off my arm. I got hit in the head literally 20 times, by the end of the night I have a massive headache and my vision was slightly blurry, but I must say, it was the best concert I've been to yet, and I had a hell of a lot of fun. My necks all sore today, and really my whole bodys pretty damn sore, but it was damn worth it.

Today: nothing. I really don't have anything planned yet, I'm at the library with Gina (yay!) and I don't know what I'm doing later. Thats all folks!

There's no point in waiting.

[30 Jun 2004|06:22pm]
Sarha IS going down, cause I'm going to KICK HER ASS! Maybe I'll kick her down the street again like I did last time, lol, but I totally feel a fist fight coming on. Anyways. Today has been a good day really, I freaked out yesterday and thought about making my journal private, but I'm not going to. I'm at the library with Gina, Sarha and Sicily, wee for the library! We went to Panera today too, and it was allllllll good. Now we're going to leave soon and do stuff, and it will be fun and i'll stay in a good mood. yay. bye.
2 moved on | There's no point in waiting.

[30 Jun 2004|06:12pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Sarha and I are fighting again. I think I want to hurt her. We're going to have an actual fist fight here again soon... She's going down.

Anyway, Sicily is cool. So is Gina. And so am I.

If I make this entry private or delete it, Sarha is going to be hurt.

4 moved on | There's no point in waiting.

My whole existance is flawed [28 Jun 2004|12:15pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Nothing really eventful this weekend, my aunt came in from Arizona who I haven't seen in forever, it was nice seeing her. Didn't really do anything, otherwise, except for work and that crap. Me and Sayla were supposed to hang out, we were going to go drinking, but we ended up not going, which did suck cause honestly, I really did want to drink this weekend, don't know why, but I wanted to. Oh well. The 4th is coming up next weekend, hopefully I'll have something fun to do on that day, might go to my farm and spend time w/ my family, and try to blow up my cousins like we normally do. (We shoot bottle rockets and roman candles at each other its fun) I really love spending time out at the farm, I don't know why, but I always have a lot of fun there, and the Rose's really seem to be a loving family, like they actually show their love for one another, unlike my mom and her side, where they argue constantly but do love eachother, and they really don't show the love or act like they do. My moms side of the family is very cold, my dads side is crazy but loving. And my mom doesn't really want me to see them or talk to them. Sucky.

I hope some good concerts come to the area soon, I want to see some good bands soon, and so far I haven't heard of anyone I particularly want to see here anytime soon. It sucks that I missed the evanescence concert last summer I wanted to see it so fucking bad. I want to see the Distillers in concert, that'd be hella cool to. I still want to go to ozzfest, but really, i'm not so into the bands playing this year, except for slipknot and otep and lacuna coil, and i'm sure i'll get a chance to see them someother time.

Oh yea, you guys should check out the website of this band, Pigeon Shoot, click on the link, they're a great up and coming band here in omaha and I can totally see them going somewhere, fast.

1 moved on | There's no point in waiting.

Bye bye beautiful, don't bother to write. [24 Jun 2004|01:51pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

Making up hours at PRC sucks, but damn do I need the cash, oh yes. Nothing eventful this week, except, I finally kissed Gina! I was really freaking nervous, but I didn't want to wait anymore so I did it and it was good. Yay for Gina and Amber, once more! And, we've made it to 3 weeks!

Its all rainy and cold outside, no fun. I like it when its rainy, but not when its rainy and cold. Reminds me of an AFI song outside, most of their songs seem rainy and cold. But I like them, AFI is such a good band.

Things are going pretty good though overall, my grandma didn't freak about me being gay, my depression is decreasing, now I just need a steady job and then to move out and things will be ok, as long as I don't get stuck in a rut, I eventually want to do something exciting w/ my life like get an acting career or something like that.

3 moved on | There's no point in waiting.

[22 Jun 2004|05:35pm]
[ mood | sick ]

Eventful day...or not. I'm sick, and it sucks, my eye is tearing up like a bitch, my head is killing me and I have a fever, oh yay. I don't feel yet like going home however, so I'm at the library. I went to the bank today and signed up for a saving account at Wellsfargo, and got a free cooler that has speakers, and its hella beans cool. I was all excited. And I'm still excited about it, yes I am just that dorky. I worked at the Icing today, did my full 6 hours there at least, came home (er not home, here) early from PRC, cause talking to those people w/ a migraine and watery eyes is not any fun at all. Kinda sick to my stomach too, damn it.

Nothings really going on otherwise, the cabins were all booked up for awhile so we can't do that this weekend, I have to work a crapload anyways, so it doesn't matter. I get paid this week too, I have to take my car in to get it checked, it has so many problems. Damn car. So yea.

6 moved on | There's no point in waiting.

Cut it out- your self-inflicted pain [20 Jun 2004|02:47pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]

So I finally went and saw my grandma today, and it went over pretty smoothly, I didn't think it would at all. I got really depressed before I went, and didn't want to go at all cause I was so afraid of her rejection. I wish I didn't get so depressed, it sucks fighting it day in and day out, I was honestly contemplating suicide again, and I hate when I do that when I finally get over it, cause its so dumb, and extremely selfish of myself to even think of that. I think of it every couple of days though seriously, and I hope I can get over it soon.

Enough blah crap. My lip has healed up pretty damn well, lol I like it a lot, I found some really cool lip rings today at the mall, for a pretty good price too. I should be able to take mine out soon. I really want to move out soon, it would be nice, to get a place somewhere. I want to get a cat too, a white cat and name it blue. Lol thats a hella cool name for a cat. We went to the Gay Parade yesterday, it was very festive and colorful, it was pretty damn fun. I saw Lindsay (aka Seth) again, she's funny. I missed talking to her in highschool, not that I ever liked her or anything, just she was someone I actually got along with.

My back still hurts from yesterday, I need some good pain relievers, but alas I have none. Think I'll go home and sleep for a bit.

There's no point in waiting.

don't undermine my new resolution [18 Jun 2004|01:34pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Happy Birthday Gina!

Todays Gina's birthday, obviously. If I was a good girlfriend, I'd have something awesome planned, but I suck, so I dont. The gay and lesbian festival is supposed to be downtown today, so we're probably going to go to that. I get paid on thursday, hope its a fairly decent check. We're all supposed to go to Platte River State Park on friday, renting a cabin and stuff, I don't know if I can or will go, seeing as I've taken a shitload of work off, and really need to make up hours and crap. But camping is fun, so I'll probably try to find a way out of work!

Me and gina made it to two weeks, yay! Go us. I feel extremely dumb, I still haven't kissed her or anything yet, I hate that I'm so nervous and crap all the time, there have been really good opportunities, but I haven't taken advantage of any of them. Duh, me. Oh well. I don't know why I get so nervous, honestly, whats the worst that could happen? I don't even know.

I also have yet to see my grandma after the whole me coming out as being gay thing. I think her rejection will hurt most of all, which is why I'm avoiding it. Maybe I shouldn't have told them at all, but then it would be like I was embarassed of it or something. And I'm not.

What kind of disease are you?


punkybroodster is caused by monkeys.

punkybroodster disease causes a constant lack of clothing.
The only known cure for punkybroodster is to pay for everything in pennies.
6 moved on | There's no point in waiting.

I can't deny, I tried to die, but I'm ALIVE! [17 Jun 2004|03:25pm]
I worked today, go me! It was really boring, I worked the whole time, honestly, who goes to their job and has to work the whole time? Geeze.

Yesterday wasn't super eventful, though we did go to the Spaghetti Works which was fun, and to homers where I got a cd, Drain STH, yay! I like drain. I was going to get a Static X cd, but I didn't.

Everyone say hi to Gina! thegirlfixer

So yea, and I'm poor as hell. That sucks.
1 moved on | There's no point in waiting.

Clever got me this far, then tricky got me in. [15 Jun 2004|01:35pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Not much going on on the home front, talked to my mom a bit yesterday but I must have blocked out what she said as I can't bring up any of the conversation except for her saying she "Wasn't sure" about the people I hang out with. Bla bla fucking blah. Ah well. Haven't talked to my grandma yet, wonder what her reaction was and what it will be to me. I really don't want to go back. At all. But I can't stay at Gina's for more than a few days, and I don't really know what to do after that.

Damn homosexuals, causing gigantic rifts in family relations. Fucking gays, I hate them. hah. (gay bashing is fun)

Otherwise not much has happened, I worked this morning and wooo was THAT exciting. Last night me and gina ate at IHOP, after driving to like 5 restaurants that were closed, but IHOP was actually pretty good.

Me and Gina are doing really well, I'm really happy with her and I hope she's as happy w/ me. Shes an awesome girlfriend to put up with all my crazyness and not leave me. I'm so happy I found gina. *big grin*

3 moved on | There's no point in waiting.

[14 Jun 2004|05:06pm]
So yea I feel like posting a picture of me, Gina, and Sarha

Amber, Gina, and Sarha (I look drunk or high here, but i'm not

Hah us again. Now gina looks kinda high. And I was like "Putting my head down seems like a good idea at the moment" So yeah.

Sorry Brian, I totally jacked your picture of us. :D
4 moved on | There's no point in waiting.

Uhhhhhhhhhhh [14 Jun 2004|04:50pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

So yea I came out to my family yesterday, it fucking EXPLODED in my face, I told my sister last night, and I stayed over at Gina's last night, this morning my mom calls saying something like she needs her key, and shes all we need to talk, and she pretty much told me that I couldn't be gay and crap, and she bitched about tons of other crazy random crap for like an hour, then she invited Gina (who was waiting in my car) in, and gave her a boat load of shit too, which really pissed me off, then continued to berate me in front of her about how wrong being gay is, and then she was like "Why can't you two just be friends? WHY?" So yea, it didn't go well, my telling my family. They're all horribly disgusted by it cause they all hate gays and think its wrong. Then she said I was easily impressionable, and that it was the music that I listen to that caused me to decide to follow an 'alternative' lifestyle. She said that she is the only exception to the rule of not becoming weird as in being gay or doing drugs while listening to the music we listen to.

So yea, I literally skyrocketed out of the closet last night. Go me. I'm going to be staying w/ Gina for a couple of days for things to kinda settle, and then I'll talk to my family. I have to find an apartment or something. I need to DO something. Yep.

Oh yea, I dyed my hair black too, and my mom says I'm ugly now, and that I look like Rosie O'Donnell, yay I rock.

The gay festival is this weekend downtown, yay.

3 moved on | There's no point in waiting.

[11 Jun 2004|12:47pm]
So this has been a pretty fucking damn good week. Me and Gina are doing great (I think) we reached our 1 week anniversary on wed. morning, and here's to many more weeks! She makes me so happy, and I really hope that I make her happy too. I just love being around her, its just so great.

Yesterday was Sarha's birthday, and we all went to go get piercings. Gina got the middle of her lip pierced, I got the left side of my lip pierced, and Sarha got her eyebrow pierced, it was fun, let me tell ya! My lip swelled up a lot and bruised, and hell it bled as well! But let me tell ya, its cool. Not really. I also cut my hair really short, I like it though. Then I saw an old friend from highschool when we went to eat at Dennys, it was pretty cool.

I get paid again today, yay for getting paid. I need to pay bills. I think my grandma suspets that I'm gay, and just isn't saying anything. Shes been acting funny around me, but it could be me being hopeful yet paranoid, and hoping that she does know, yet sort of fearing it if that makes any sense, though I really really want her to know, and I will tell her soon. Its just going to suck cause shes not going to be easy around me and Gina anymore after I do tell her, and right now everything seems to be going great. My familys really going to freak when I do tell them, but theres nothing they can do about it cause theres no way I'm leaving gina, not at all.

And now its time to go eat, or something like that.

2 moved on | There's no point in waiting.

Were living in a violent society [06 Jun 2004|12:30pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

So this has been a fucking awesome week. Me and Gina got together on Tuesday night/morning, something like that. This makes me so unbelievably happy, you guys have no idea. I still can't believe she actually likes me and wanted to be with me, and it really makes me very happy, and I think it'll work. I really do. Very much yay for Gina and Amber!

Otherwise, nothing big has happened, we went to a concert friday night (i think) to see Barter the Trigger which is a really good local band, then we picked up Sarha and really didn't do anything after that, except eat at Godfathers and drive around. and I've been working and all that fun crap. Yesterday was supposed to be my last day at the Icing, but Sarah my manager talked me into staying for most of the month. Crappy. CRAPPY! hah. crappy is a funny word. there is a fish called crappy, but its spelled crappie. I strongly dislike fish, they're not cool creatures, except for little ornamental fish like I have. Which reminds me, I have to feed my frogs when I get home.

I need to clean out my basement so I can move down there soon. It'll be so nice down there, more privacy and stuff like that, I just really need to start working on it.

5 moved on | There's no point in waiting.

[01 Jun 2004|01:05pm]
I went with Gina and Sarha to a concert on Sunday, it was really awesome, the bands towards the end of the night were pretty good, and Cay, Gina's friend, played earlier in the night, and he's really good, I was very impressed. Sarha's really cool too, shes more spaztic and energetic than I am, its fun! I really love hanging out with all of them, Gina, Cay, Sarha, Brian etc, they're so much fun. They really do make me happy. Yay for being happy. Last night we went to go see the day after tomorrow, which did have good effects I'll give them that, but the story really had no point/ending, it had a moral or a message, but they didn't do anything about it in the movie. Pointless really, and a waste of $6, but otherwise, it was great hanging out with everyone, it was a lot of fun.

Its my last week at the Icing, then I have to find another job. Fuck, I hate looking for jobs. I really want to move out soon, and I need to get a better paying job for that.

Hmmm, and nothing else to say, so yea.
4 moved on | There's no point in waiting.

[29 May 2004|02:31pm]
[ mood | indifferent ]

Last night was sort of...nuts. Well really, I went sort of nuts. People were really making me mad last night, being all loud and annoying. Most of the people from 'my group' found out that I was bi last night, and Josh was all freaking out thinking I was hitting on Carly and shit. I was extremely happy and crazy when we first got there, but then I hit one of my lowest lows last night, if Gina hadn't been there, I probably would have done myself in, seriously. I also told Gina that I liked her. Dorky me. I also told her all the crazy shit that goes on in my head, I also made Carly worry like crazy about me, cause I decided to go driving after drinking way to much. Gina went with me, though she shouldn't have cause it was way dangerous, poor people who put up with my shit. I should have just gone home earlier in the night like I had planned. I just really wanted to be alone. I'm sick of being depressed all the time, and even though they say that they don't, my friends have to feel obligated to comfort me, and they really don't need to, sometimes its better to just let me stew in my own thoughts. I know I make other people sad/depressed when they're around me, I'm thinking about not hanging out w/ anyone anymore cause I'm such a freaking drag.

I honestly wish I could just be happy or at least faintly cheerful most of the time, its nice when I am. These extreme highs/lows really suck, I make an ass out of myself when I'm really overly-excited and happy, and I make everyone depressed when I'm low. It sucks, sucks, sucks.

And shit. I have to work, that really sucks. :( Off to work for amber! Think I'm going to go buy a distillers cd today too, and other crap. yay for crap!

12 moved on | There's no point in waiting.

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